


Disconnect

by Ihateyouandyourmum



Category: Night In The Woods (Video Game)
Genre: Gender Dysphoria, Gender Issues, Gender-Neutral Pronouns, Nonbinary Character
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-18
Updated: 2019-04-18
Packaged: 2020-01-11 18:14:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,948
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18429464
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ihateyouandyourmum/pseuds/Ihateyouandyourmum
Summary: Its fair to say that Mae had never really fit in with the people around them.





	Disconnect

To Mae, feeling comfortable in their own skin had never really being a possibility to them, they can't remember a time when they had. That they had looked familiar to themselves in the mirror. Except maybe When they were a lot younger, But when you're a kid you don't have any problems anyway. Everyhting about them kist looked wrong, not like them, in some way they couldn't quite put their finger on. The first time they had even vaguely identified with themself was when they had first cut their hair, much to their mother’s dismay.

They had done it without asking, Bea hanging in front of the mirror in the bathroom of Mae’s house at ten, scissors in hand and no ideas what either were doing. Mae had told Bea about their discomfort with long hair and they had waited till Mae’s mum had gone out for a while, before deciding what to do. Bea had haphazardly grabbed the scissors, snipping off large chunks until it was about an inch in length there or abouts all around.

To Mae it hadn’t mattered how bad it looked, (and trust me it looked awful,) they just wanted to look like themselves for the for the first time in their lives. When candy had got home she had seen the two of them, hair all over the bathroom floor and uneven tufts of black from what was left plastered to Mae’s head.

Mae still had the face she pulled etched into her memory as she told Bea to leave and then berated her child about looking like a boy and being a dyke. 

Bea hadn’t come into their house again till when Mae came back from college, Mae was grounded for over a month. They didn’t care what their mum said, it was the happiest they had felt in years, like a small part of the puzzle had been fit into place.

Mae wanted to cry when it began to grow out, they turned into shapes again.

Mae didn’t cut their hair again till late high school, this time it looked better, Gregg helped them colour it red. Mum had given up by that point.

* * *

When they were kids Mae would only wear skirts, going from one extreme to another, at 8 refusing to wear skirts and switching to jogger bottoms, then in their teenage years swapping to entirely jeans and nothing else. 

In many ways they couldn't understand their younger self, the girly child who had wanted to be a princess and had their room entirely pink, they didn't make sense at all and seemed entirely disconnected to them, like they hadn't been them at all. Though they had always wanted shorter hair, they watched girls and boys shows, played with girls and boys toys, always wanted to be friends with the boys who rejected them entirely. Maybe they didn't have such a disconnect. It just hadn't come up as much as an issue until puberty, when the line that had once seemed very flexible became hard and unbreakable. Black and white. One or the other.

When puberty hit it hit Mae hard, most of the girls had gushed about getting boobs, or getting their period. Infact Mae trying to hard to fit in had even convinced themselves that  _they wanted that too._

Except when that actually came to pass they realise they really didn't want it at all. They hadn't been blessed with big boobs but even a 32C seemed infinitely uncomfortable, they wanted them to go, occasionally wanted to cut them off. Wanting to pull their own skin off because  _it didn't fit._

When they got their first period they found out how horribly dysphoric and uncomfortable pads made them.

When they had to get their first bra they had got so frustrated with it that they had thrown it off in tears, not wearing it again until a year later when it became unavoidable. And then they became so uncomfortable with the feeling of them even  _being there_ that they would put it on as soon as they woke up and take it off the second before going to bed so they could pretend they weren't part of them in some way, if they couldn't really feel them they could pretend they were fake, as long as they didn't look down.

It became a cycle that ended with finding ways to bind their chest that were less than safe, until Angus and Gregg found out.

* * *

 Mae had got their first binder at the end of high school, they hadn't bothered going to their mother, that was a dead end road and would probably only lead to worse things. They couldn't ask their mum. She was a christian, they could face being bullied for it, sent to a conversion camp, she could tell the entire town, even worse they could get kicked out for something they didnt  _want_ and couldn't  _change._ To her this, whatever this was, was a phase, she just wouldn't approve and she couldn't risk not being the perfect daughter she was raised to be. 

When Gregg and Angus had found out about their unhealthy binding habits they had immediately put their money together to help get a binder. Which only added to Mae's guilt but barely dimmed their excitement to finally feel  _right._ The couple might not have understood why they needed one (or maybe they did, Angus seemed pretty educated on the ABC's of LGBT) but both would forever be supportive of their friend and make sure they were healthy. 

The first time they put it on the same spark as their haircut when they were 10 came back, the euphoria, seeing themselves not as shapes but a whole human again. Not fully recognisable, but like someone had put a some slightly incorrect prescription glasses on and the shapes in the distance had gone from blobs to vaguely recognisable squares.

The next day when they got to school they hugged Gregg and Angus for a straight 5 minutes, almost crying at how great their friends were. 

They still hadn't come out but they knew when they did they certainly wouldn't be alone. 

* * *

 Mae started to wear boys clothes when they went to college, buying clothes that didn't closely hug their curves and (now mostly flat) chest, they still dressed femininely, still wore feminine jeans, they just did it through wearing boys clothes. They weren't a boy, they weren't a girl.

And they felt the most comfortable they had in their lives. 

So comfortable that for the first time since they were a child wearing short shorts, the occasional skirt was no longer an issue because there was other things that showed they weren't strictly a girl or a boy, short hair, flat manly chest. 

It was perfect, they were them. 

They went to LGBT club, for the first time in their lives people gendered them correctly, treated them like they weren't a freak, when they spoke to them at all.

But they couldn’t make any friends, everything started getting worse in different ways even if the discomfort got better. 'transitioning' doesn't fix everything.

their mental health began to sink again, locking themselves in their room, sleeping away days and missing classes until they were sure any class mates that knew they were there in the first place had forgotten about them completely by now. Leaving the room came with intense anxiety, the kind that made you feel like someone had their hands around your throat and were physically pulling you down. Bubbling under your skin at all times and oozing out of your pours until you’re less of a human and more of a monster that you cant recognize in the mirror anymore. 

Going outside made things seem even less real, and staying in your room, unmoving and unmotivated for hours on end made it seem fine, like they were a kid again with no expectations or responsibilities that weighed like a rock.

They were meant to be the first borrowski to go to college, meant to be smart, meant to be better, and now they couldn’t even do simple tasks. Not that they were good enough to be a borrowski anyway, 

But there was also that if they went back they would have to dress like a girl, be a girl again. Not only letting down their parents but letting down themselves to, making that bit worse again. Here was bad but what if home was just like here but worse because all that pain would be added on top. 

If she went home what if she was stuck there, unable to move just like this time without everything becoming shapes again. A life of being a girl, never being accepted, dragging through everyday the same as the last because of their mental downfalls.

But they couldn't stay here either. 

* * *

 When Mae got home is started all over again, having to hide who they are, just as they had thought, even the reason they came back because they couldn't let their parents know. They couldn't let them down.

They reconnected with their friends, they were still uncomfortable but they started slowly introducing how they were at college into their home life again, hoping their parents didn't notice. 

Being called a she hurt but they couldn't blame their friends, they didn't know any better because  _she_ hadnt told them. 

And that was what was going to happen today.

They had invited them to go to the diner, and they were going to tell them. And they felt like their heart, stomach, whatever was in their throat. Sure they'd be fine with it, Gregg and Angus had helped them all through high school without even knowing the issue  (cough cough) and Bea was the most open minded, forward thinking person in possum springs and had trans friends. That still didn't make it feel better, Mae had never come out to anyone, at school people jusy knew, if they talked to them they knew, lgbt club had made it easy, and they didn't talk to many people. 

This was all new territory.

"So... I need to talk to you about... me"

Their aim was to say gender but that didn't exactly end up happening.

Bea was the first to speak up, looking like the concerned mum friend she is. "Are you ok? Has anything being going on, is your dissociation acting up again?" 

"No it's not that just... since I was younger I've never really been comfortable with myself and my... gender" 

Gregg and Angus looked on knowingly, linking hands under the table where Mae couldnt see in a 'we are proud parents and will protect our child at all costs" kind of way. (It doesnt matter that Mae was the same age as them.)

"I think, no,  _I know_ that I'm non-binary, you guys, especially Gregg and angus, have helped me out a lot over the years with this and I just want to come out and say it. I don't want to hide myself anymore because of my parents expectations, or fear, or anything out because this isn't me."

Angus was the first to speak up, trying hard to look Mae in the eye despite their dodging eye sight. 

"I've known for a while in a way, just so you know we will always support you, I'm sure that's true of Bea as well. Even it that means taking you in becayse your parents don't accept you. We will  _always_ be there for you, no matter what"

"Second that" Bea.

"Third that" gregg. 

"Group hug" everyone pulled together over greasy bad pizza, relishing the small moments they have together. 

"I love you guys" 

**Author's Note:**

> i come back and edit this when im sad so lol. 
> 
> this is based on my own experience as a nb person so sorry if some of the characters are... out of character. i dont really believe candy would be mean to mae or stop her doing anything, i based her on some family members i have so sorry!


End file.
